Questions & Failures

Lies Parents Believe – Part 4

Most every parent enjoys the admiration that comes from their young children. Children are filled with wonder, amazement and questions about the world around them. Mom and dad are truly amazing to them with all they know and understand. Observing their discovery and learning becomes an integral part of a parent's treasured memories.

As a child ages the questions become deeper and more challenging. When this happens a parent may begin to express resistance to their questions. This resistance comes from the fear of being “outed” with the reality of not actually knowing everything. A parent shouldn't have to fear the reality of not knowing the answers to their questions as this development actually reveals the parent has done their job in creating a desire for knowledge that continues to grow. Instead of resisting their growing questions, utilize the opportunity to teach your child how to discover knowledge independently. There is freedom in acknowledging uncertainty or lack of knowledge in an area. The freedom allows a parent go beyond themselves and demonstrate humility; the willingness and comfort to admit there are some things beyond one's knowledge. There lie the tools for lifelong learning, which is what every parent should desire for their child.

This is even truer when addressing spiritual issues. There have been questions and statements to come from our children regarding spiritual issues that, at times, were honestly shocking to hear. As parents, we could easily respond with anger or indignation at their questions. We could also belittle them for daring to ask such questions. With such a response we indirectly tell our children that such questions are not allowed. An honest exploration of spiritual questions will be seen as taboo. Further, our response may leave the impression that there is something we are hiding from them about faith, casting doubts that may provide more weight to arguments against faith.

Responding to faith questions is vitally important for transference of faith from one generation to the next. As a young person grows into adulthood their minds are also changing to allow for the processing of abstract thought. It is natural that their questions will become deeper and more challenging during this period. There is a stark contrast between the way children think and the way adults think. How much more does that contrast exist between the way adult humans think and the way our Heavenly Father thinks? It’s only natural for us to struggle at times in understanding His ways. And there are some matters which we have to trust that our Father, who loves us more than we love our own children, knows better than we do. That trust is central to a living faith.

Likewise, the humility needed to confess our lack of knowledge transfers to an ability to confess our failures and struggles. The more willing we are to confess our own failures and struggles with our children, as well as the blessing of our successes, the more genuine and reasonable faith we pass to our children.

The prophet Malachi, when foretelling of the coming of John the Baptist, said, “See, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before that great and dreadful day of the LORD comes. He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with total destruction.”  (Mal. 4:5-6) Evident in this prophecy is the need to parents to reveal their hearts to their children and for children to understand the heart of their parents. John’s role was largely preaching repentance. The sin of pride is the biggest obstacle that will prevent a parent from revealing their heart to their children. And the love and humility that is demonstrated by doing so will be modeled for the child and hopefully repeated for generations to come.

The Contagious Faith

Lies Parents Believe – Part 3

H1N1, or more commonly Swine Flu, garnered a lot of attention nearly two years ago. The media was abuzz with dire predictions and calls rang out for mass vaccines. People were more frequently seen wearing the basic breathing masks in a further attempt to avoid infection. Still others spoke out warning against vaccination and citing the health risks that came with receiving it. After all the attention, vaccines, or lack thereof, H1N1 hasn’t really proven to be worthy of the fear and attention it received.

But how contagious is our faith? If you listened to the media and the groups bringing legal cases against churches and government bodies, you might think it was highly contagious. The existence of a time of silence (designated for prayer), a listing of the Ten Commandments, the sight of a nativity, or the offering of prayer elicits outrage from numerous groups along with threats and litigation.

However, as long and prominent as these items have been displayed, they seem to have done little by way of serving as a pathogen for faith. Lawyers and judges don’t seem more prone to faith by the presence of the Ten Commandments in courtrooms. School children are not more obedient and prone to faith because of a time of silence for prayer or a display of the Ten Commandments. I’m not opposed to religious displays in public areas and events. In fact, I believe they are good for the same reason the opponents despise them. But, again, they are not a pathogen of faith.

There is a lot of talk about contagious faith and contagious Christianity, but for all the talk and attention the topic receives, there seems to be little results within the home. Referring to previous articles, the best and most dynamic church youth ministries are not resulting in the best and most dynamic believers. So what makes the difference in students of much faith and those of little to no faith?

The students with much faith possess a faith that is taught as much as it is caught.  And if you have been following you know the primary teachers were their parents. Studies show, and the experience of years of youth ministry confirm, students whose parents have an active faith and discuss their faith with their children are much more likely to have an active faith themselves. Reflect for a moment on the younger adults you know that possess an active faith and then consider the faith of their parents.

Young children see their parents as their own personal heroes. Who else can heal pain with a kiss? God intends for the strong bond between parents and children to be the bond that allows for sincere faith to be communicated from one generation to the next. Children look to their parents to understand where it is they have come from and who they are. It is the parent’s responsibility to communicate to their children the heritage from which they come and to tell them who they are. If a parent doesn’t communicate to a child who they are, the result can be a child wandering aimlessly through adulthood trying to discover who they are. Unfortunately, this pattern is seen too commonly in our world today.

In scriptures we see parents taking great care in naming their children and their names reflected elements of who they became. Sometimes God, himself, provided their name or gave them a new name. Lisa and I tried to take as much care in naming each of our three children and they each know what their names mean because we communicate these elements to them through the stories of when they were born and how we named them. They also love to hear stories about our own childhood, stories about their grandparents and great grandparents. They eat up every bit of information we can give them about their family history.

As much as children look to their parents as their heroes and models for who they will become in physical realities of life, they also look to them for who they will become in the spiritual realities of life. Parents do themselves a great disservice when they send their children to a children’s or youth minister for all their spiritual training. In essence, parents communicate they have little or no spiritual “stuff” to offer them. The ultimate message the child receives is they, too, are deficient spiritually.

It may take some time for a parent to realize the true potential they carry to impact their own children spiritually. No one is truly spiritually deficient, unless it is by choice. Conversely, no one is truly spiritually perfect, except Jesus. The spiritual leaders your local church are not as perfect as you might imagine. Many, if not all, have had to struggle through periods where they felt ill equipped to parent or lead also. But our God is a God who delights in displaying his strength in all of our weakness.

Lies Parents Believe – Part 2

The Youth Minister and Church Activity

Within the last thirty to forty years there has been a major shift within the thinking of our culture. This statement could obviously be addressed in a number of ways, but I want to look at one. It has been said that today we live in the age of the paid professional. Professionals exist for any number of specialized areas that previously would have been covered by one or two people.

Many probably remember a day when most people performed most of the maintenance and some of the major work on their own cars. Most wives cared for interior of their homes and the husbands would care for the lawn and general home maintenance. Education took place at home as well as at school with parent personally knowing most if not all of teachers in the school system. The doctor that delivered you would likely be the same doctor that cared for you your entire life. Today, however, the oil might only be able to be changed by the dealer. Wives are busy in the workplace so there might be a maid service that comes by to clean weekly or bi-weekly.  A professional lawn care service takes care of the lawn and landscaping. The specialization of teachers and centralization of schools have increased their numbers to where knowing them all can be a challenge. And family doctors, while they may serve whole family ages, may or may not serve a whole family.

The point being, a professional is more often looked to when something needs to be done. Sports require a sports professional. X-rays require a specialized radiological technician. Spiritual matters require a “spiritual professional.” This last statement is a lie parents believe.

God never intended for parents to be transportation specialist between different training specialists. God intended for parents to be the people most directly involved in the spiritual formation of their children. Not only is there the command in Deuteronomy 6 that was looked at earlier, but there is also the recognition of all believers serving as a royal priesthood! (1 Peter 2:4-10) God intends for dads and moms to be the “spiritual professionals” for their children. Anyone else, including a youth or children’s minister is a poor substitute.

Many a parent has been frustrated and heartbroken by their teen’s sinful choices. The tendency is to blame the youth minister or church for failing to adequately train them spiritually. Consider the number of hours a child will spend each week studying each subject in school, the number of hours spent with peers, or watching TV, the number of hours spent with parents, or any other extra-curricular activity. Now consider the number of hours focused on spiritual instruction.

The average child spends about three hours a week at church: one hour in worship, one in Sunday school, and maybe one on Wednesday night. Focused teaching times within those three hours are a thirty minute sermon, and maybe forty-five minutes each for Sunday school and Wednesday night. Being generous we get two hours a week with only one being really focused for your child.

There are 168 hours in a week. One or two hours are not enough for any kind of consistent discipleship. The number of hours given to countering messages from peers and media make it nearly a losing battle. Adding more hours each week spent at church will not provide a much more favorable outcome. Church activity cannot be equated with spiritual growth.

There is one voice, however, that bears more weight than peers, cultural media, church pastor or youth minister, or favored teacher. A parent’s voice bears more weight than any other these competitors, even in the midst of conflict or “teenage rebellion.” MSNBC offered this article revealing parents still possess the greatest influence in their teen’s life. Look over some the results showing the influence parents have with their children. One more link here.

Attending church with your child is very important. They get to see you worshipping, giving heed to what God says, tithing, and giving and receiving encouragement from others. But don’t assume because your child attends church and participate in age appropriate meetings and activities he or she is growing spiritually. The youth minister may be a spiritual hero in your eyes and even your child’s, but he is not the parent of your child. Ultimately, your child will look to you, the ones to whom he is most closely related, to understand where he comes from spiritually. With that potential understanding, he will then step into his future. What will you give him?  . . . More on that topic will come next week.