Questions & Failures

Lies Parents Believe – Part 4

Most every parent enjoys the admiration that comes from their young children. Children are filled with wonder, amazement and questions about the world around them. Mom and dad are truly amazing to them with all they know and understand. Observing their discovery and learning becomes an integral part of a parent's treasured memories.

As a child ages the questions become deeper and more challenging. When this happens a parent may begin to express resistance to their questions. This resistance comes from the fear of being “outed” with the reality of not actually knowing everything. A parent shouldn't have to fear the reality of not knowing the answers to their questions as this development actually reveals the parent has done their job in creating a desire for knowledge that continues to grow. Instead of resisting their growing questions, utilize the opportunity to teach your child how to discover knowledge independently. There is freedom in acknowledging uncertainty or lack of knowledge in an area. The freedom allows a parent go beyond themselves and demonstrate humility; the willingness and comfort to admit there are some things beyond one's knowledge. There lie the tools for lifelong learning, which is what every parent should desire for their child.

This is even truer when addressing spiritual issues. There have been questions and statements to come from our children regarding spiritual issues that, at times, were honestly shocking to hear. As parents, we could easily respond with anger or indignation at their questions. We could also belittle them for daring to ask such questions. With such a response we indirectly tell our children that such questions are not allowed. An honest exploration of spiritual questions will be seen as taboo. Further, our response may leave the impression that there is something we are hiding from them about faith, casting doubts that may provide more weight to arguments against faith.

Responding to faith questions is vitally important for transference of faith from one generation to the next. As a young person grows into adulthood their minds are also changing to allow for the processing of abstract thought. It is natural that their questions will become deeper and more challenging during this period. There is a stark contrast between the way children think and the way adults think. How much more does that contrast exist between the way adult humans think and the way our Heavenly Father thinks? It’s only natural for us to struggle at times in understanding His ways. And there are some matters which we have to trust that our Father, who loves us more than we love our own children, knows better than we do. That trust is central to a living faith.

Likewise, the humility needed to confess our lack of knowledge transfers to an ability to confess our failures and struggles. The more willing we are to confess our own failures and struggles with our children, as well as the blessing of our successes, the more genuine and reasonable faith we pass to our children.

The prophet Malachi, when foretelling of the coming of John the Baptist, said, “See, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before that great and dreadful day of the LORD comes. He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with total destruction.”  (Mal. 4:5-6) Evident in this prophecy is the need to parents to reveal their hearts to their children and for children to understand the heart of their parents. John’s role was largely preaching repentance. The sin of pride is the biggest obstacle that will prevent a parent from revealing their heart to their children. And the love and humility that is demonstrated by doing so will be modeled for the child and hopefully repeated for generations to come.

The Contagious Faith

Lies Parents Believe – Part 3

H1N1, or more commonly Swine Flu, garnered a lot of attention nearly two years ago. The media was abuzz with dire predictions and calls rang out for mass vaccines. People were more frequently seen wearing the basic breathing masks in a further attempt to avoid infection. Still others spoke out warning against vaccination and citing the health risks that came with receiving it. After all the attention, vaccines, or lack thereof, H1N1 hasn’t really proven to be worthy of the fear and attention it received.

But how contagious is our faith? If you listened to the media and the groups bringing legal cases against churches and government bodies, you might think it was highly contagious. The existence of a time of silence (designated for prayer), a listing of the Ten Commandments, the sight of a nativity, or the offering of prayer elicits outrage from numerous groups along with threats and litigation.

However, as long and prominent as these items have been displayed, they seem to have done little by way of serving as a pathogen for faith. Lawyers and judges don’t seem more prone to faith by the presence of the Ten Commandments in courtrooms. School children are not more obedient and prone to faith because of a time of silence for prayer or a display of the Ten Commandments. I’m not opposed to religious displays in public areas and events. In fact, I believe they are good for the same reason the opponents despise them. But, again, they are not a pathogen of faith.

There is a lot of talk about contagious faith and contagious Christianity, but for all the talk and attention the topic receives, there seems to be little results within the home. Referring to previous articles, the best and most dynamic church youth ministries are not resulting in the best and most dynamic believers. So what makes the difference in students of much faith and those of little to no faith?

The students with much faith possess a faith that is taught as much as it is caught.  And if you have been following you know the primary teachers were their parents. Studies show, and the experience of years of youth ministry confirm, students whose parents have an active faith and discuss their faith with their children are much more likely to have an active faith themselves. Reflect for a moment on the younger adults you know that possess an active faith and then consider the faith of their parents.

Young children see their parents as their own personal heroes. Who else can heal pain with a kiss? God intends for the strong bond between parents and children to be the bond that allows for sincere faith to be communicated from one generation to the next. Children look to their parents to understand where it is they have come from and who they are. It is the parent’s responsibility to communicate to their children the heritage from which they come and to tell them who they are. If a parent doesn’t communicate to a child who they are, the result can be a child wandering aimlessly through adulthood trying to discover who they are. Unfortunately, this pattern is seen too commonly in our world today.

In scriptures we see parents taking great care in naming their children and their names reflected elements of who they became. Sometimes God, himself, provided their name or gave them a new name. Lisa and I tried to take as much care in naming each of our three children and they each know what their names mean because we communicate these elements to them through the stories of when they were born and how we named them. They also love to hear stories about our own childhood, stories about their grandparents and great grandparents. They eat up every bit of information we can give them about their family history.

As much as children look to their parents as their heroes and models for who they will become in physical realities of life, they also look to them for who they will become in the spiritual realities of life. Parents do themselves a great disservice when they send their children to a children’s or youth minister for all their spiritual training. In essence, parents communicate they have little or no spiritual “stuff” to offer them. The ultimate message the child receives is they, too, are deficient spiritually.

It may take some time for a parent to realize the true potential they carry to impact their own children spiritually. No one is truly spiritually deficient, unless it is by choice. Conversely, no one is truly spiritually perfect, except Jesus. The spiritual leaders your local church are not as perfect as you might imagine. Many, if not all, have had to struggle through periods where they felt ill equipped to parent or lead also. But our God is a God who delights in displaying his strength in all of our weakness.

Lies Parents Believe – Part 2

The Youth Minister and Church Activity

Within the last thirty to forty years there has been a major shift within the thinking of our culture. This statement could obviously be addressed in a number of ways, but I want to look at one. It has been said that today we live in the age of the paid professional. Professionals exist for any number of specialized areas that previously would have been covered by one or two people.

Many probably remember a day when most people performed most of the maintenance and some of the major work on their own cars. Most wives cared for interior of their homes and the husbands would care for the lawn and general home maintenance. Education took place at home as well as at school with parent personally knowing most if not all of teachers in the school system. The doctor that delivered you would likely be the same doctor that cared for you your entire life. Today, however, the oil might only be able to be changed by the dealer. Wives are busy in the workplace so there might be a maid service that comes by to clean weekly or bi-weekly.  A professional lawn care service takes care of the lawn and landscaping. The specialization of teachers and centralization of schools have increased their numbers to where knowing them all can be a challenge. And family doctors, while they may serve whole family ages, may or may not serve a whole family.

The point being, a professional is more often looked to when something needs to be done. Sports require a sports professional. X-rays require a specialized radiological technician. Spiritual matters require a “spiritual professional.” This last statement is a lie parents believe.

God never intended for parents to be transportation specialist between different training specialists. God intended for parents to be the people most directly involved in the spiritual formation of their children. Not only is there the command in Deuteronomy 6 that was looked at earlier, but there is also the recognition of all believers serving as a royal priesthood! (1 Peter 2:4-10) God intends for dads and moms to be the “spiritual professionals” for their children. Anyone else, including a youth or children’s minister is a poor substitute.

Many a parent has been frustrated and heartbroken by their teen’s sinful choices. The tendency is to blame the youth minister or church for failing to adequately train them spiritually. Consider the number of hours a child will spend each week studying each subject in school, the number of hours spent with peers, or watching TV, the number of hours spent with parents, or any other extra-curricular activity. Now consider the number of hours focused on spiritual instruction.

The average child spends about three hours a week at church: one hour in worship, one in Sunday school, and maybe one on Wednesday night. Focused teaching times within those three hours are a thirty minute sermon, and maybe forty-five minutes each for Sunday school and Wednesday night. Being generous we get two hours a week with only one being really focused for your child.

There are 168 hours in a week. One or two hours are not enough for any kind of consistent discipleship. The number of hours given to countering messages from peers and media make it nearly a losing battle. Adding more hours each week spent at church will not provide a much more favorable outcome. Church activity cannot be equated with spiritual growth.

There is one voice, however, that bears more weight than peers, cultural media, church pastor or youth minister, or favored teacher. A parent’s voice bears more weight than any other these competitors, even in the midst of conflict or “teenage rebellion.” MSNBC offered this article revealing parents still possess the greatest influence in their teen’s life. Look over some the results showing the influence parents have with their children. One more link here.

Attending church with your child is very important. They get to see you worshipping, giving heed to what God says, tithing, and giving and receiving encouragement from others. But don’t assume because your child attends church and participate in age appropriate meetings and activities he or she is growing spiritually. The youth minister may be a spiritual hero in your eyes and even your child’s, but he is not the parent of your child. Ultimately, your child will look to you, the ones to whom he is most closely related, to understand where he comes from spiritually. With that potential understanding, he will then step into his future. What will you give him?  . . . More on that topic will come next week.

Lies Parents Believe – Part 1

Jesus & Church

I want my child to want to go to church. I think he should be excited about church. There should be activities and events that keep my child interested in church. I’m so tired of hearing my child complain that church is boring; we really need to make it exciting for them.

Do any of those statements sound familiar? I have heard things like this many times over, spoken directly or indirectly to me. Parents might enjoy church but are frustrated or left wondering why their child finds it so distasteful. They reason it must be something is not being done right for their age group of children.

There are a couple problems here and the first is a misplaced priority which could easily become idolatry. The lie says that a godly parent should see that their child loves church or the church experience. But parents should not desire to see their children first develop a strong love for church. The church is the bride of Christ and serves as the hands and feet of Jesus in the world today, but it is not Jesus himself. The church is made of a bunch of sinful, fallen people who are imperfect. These same people are being fashioned into the image of Christ, but they are not there yet. How is a child to handle the frustration and disappointment that are sure to come as they mature and spend more time around the church and its people?

A godly parental desire is for children to first develop a strong love for Jesus. Loving Jesus doesn’t necessarily mean there will be no disappointment or frustrations with the church life, but it will leave more room for the Holy Spirit to work understanding, forgiveness, and God’s redemptive purpose in their lives. A primary church love, however, will lead to disillusionment, anger, resentment and, ultimately, abandonment of the church. Jesus must be the ultimate priority in what we teach and model for our children. When Jesus is the primary object of our love, an secondary love for his church will naturally develop, even in the face of its troubling issues.

Secondly, nowhere does scripture indicate fun or personal enjoyment is to be a central characteristic of a church fellowship. I believe they may have a place, but never one of priority. Equally I don’t believe a church fellowship should be completely absent of these either, in an appropriate context. They just cannot be the driving factors of a biblically functioning fellowship. The second chapter of Acts gives a familiar snapshot of the characteristics of a healthy and vibrant church: “They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. . . . And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved” (vs. 42-47).

Ultimately, what do we want for our children? Do we want them committed to maintaining a fun and exciting social organization for children and their parents? Or would we rather strive to see them deeply and faithfully committed to being a disciple of Jesus. The difference may seem subtle, but it can mean all the difference in the world.

Please don’t understand me to be challenging ministry to youth as whole. I believe it can be an important part of the ministry of the church. But the way so many misunderstand the capability of ministry to youth has driven it to become terribly ineffective. I don’t presume to have all the answers. However, my years of youth ministry experience, listening to others, and reading have given me some insight into what ministering to youth can never do. That is will be our topic for next week.

Lies the Enemy want Parents to Believe -- Intro

I had a conversation the other day with a friend that sparked a train of thoughts. The conversation had drifted into the area of expectations parents typically have for ministry focused toward their children. The expectations discussed were pretty typical expectations of a youth ministry as they have been understood since the late 1960’s and early 1970’s. The problem with this model is it doesn’t work.

There is probably some defensiveness that parents might have at this point. There are many great examples that could be pointed to where someone came through a typical dynamic youth ministry to become a lifelong disciple of Jesus, which is the ultimate goal of any youth ministry. But a quick look at youth ministry statistics would show that they are the exception rather than the rule. I would argue that there are other strong factors that contributed to their outcome. But do a quick search on Bing or Google for youth ministry statistics. I found this one among the results: “An estimated 4% of the “bridger” generation, or Gen Y, will be Bible-believing Christians when they reach adulthood. Their grandparents’ generation: 65%. Their parents’ generation: 35%. (Bridger Generation by Thom S. Rainer).” This is despite all the money and resources used to fund the brightest and best of our dynamic youth ministries.

So where is the problem? These ministries all look so good on the outside, how can they be failing so miserably? I saw miserable because the actual success rate is about 12%. Imagine if a youth minister took a vibrant middle school ministry of 40 students and by their sophomore year reduced them to five students. Parents would be furious and want to have him fired. It still happening, but is not as visible because they are away at college and then beginning their own families and careers (hopefully).

Ultimately, however, it is not his fault. The reason it is not his fault is because the youth minister is attempting to do accomplish a work that someone else has been called to do. He might be able to play a supportive role, but he cannot lead here effectively no matter how magnetic his personality or full of talent are his gifts. This role belongs to the parents as designed by God. If you are unsure about this, take a slow read through Deut. 6 or the first several verses of 2 Timothy. The book of Proverbs also bears witness to this truth. Still unsure? Do another internet search on most influential voices for teens. It will surprise you.

Even still, there are a number of lies the enemy wants parents to believe. I am pulling together a list of these lies to be a basis for this series of articles. I hope they will challenge every parent in how they see their role. Saying a lot is at stake here is no small understatement. I hope you will follow along, asking questions, discussing, reflecting and sharing each one.

Take the next few days to reflect on what kind of responsibilities parents have in the spiritual formation of their children, what the priorities of the parents and the home should be and how those ideals stand up to scripture. On Thursday or Friday I will try to have posted the next part to begin affirming or challenging your thinking. And I am open to being challenged as well. But also consider, within the last 40-50 years, we have begun to attempt spiritual formation and child development in a markedly different way than they have been done within recorded history. Are our results better, worse, or the same as those throughout history?

Marriage and Social Media

Perhaps you have read of Rev. Cedric Miller and his call for church staff to delete their Facebook accounts (
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/2010-11-17-pastor-facebook_N.htm ). The story has taken a worse turn in recent days, but I wanted to give some reflection on the point I think he was trying to make.

Social media has become a common form of communication in our world. Facebook's ease of use has added to the popularity of  social media across generations. It is hard to find much to not like about being able to share your daily life with friends and family you may be significanly seperated from in our highly mobile society. But like most things in life, our sinful nature can find a way to distort and corrupt something that starts with promises of nothing but good.

Rev. Miller shared that over the last year and a half, much of his marital counseling time has involved marriages where Facebook played a significant factor in pulling into play previous relationships. Our past can have a way of coming back to haunt us, but it does not have to be that way. There are a couple things we can do in our marriages and families to protect both our past and our future.

The first suggestion Rev. Miller had was that spouses share their email and facebook and other passwords with one another.; only after meeting some resistance did the suggestion switch to deleting facebook account. Spouses should be willing to share this information with one another. Knowing the other has access and can see provides encouragement to not cross boundaries that are unhealthy for a marriage. Lisa has access to all my email and my Facebook and I have access to hers. If something comes up or someone appears that the other person should know about, we share this information and what was talked about.

A second practice is really evident within the first, but don't keep skeleton's from the past in a closet. It's not always easy to talk about, but sharing those things brings them out of the darkness and into the light. With full disclosure, there is nothing to fear. Only by withholding from our spouse do we foster an environment for something to come out we thought would stay hidden, which betrays the trust, confidence, and security of the marriage relationship. The bonus to having everything in the light with your spouse, is they know everything and you have nothing to fear, building a stronger more secure relationship.

Take time to share your passwords and other important information with your spouse today to foster the openness and honesty needed for marriage.

Family Ministry

We read Newletters, newspapers, magazines, books, DVD's, CD, email, web sites and now blogs. It can be so easy to be overcome with information today on any and every subject. The purpose of this blog is to be a connecting point between myself and the families of Morristown First Christian Church and surrounding community, to bless and encourage marriage relationships, family discipleship and a closer walk with Jesus. I believe if it accomplishes this, the ultimate reach extend much further than this place or time.

You will find here personal work as well as references to articles and books along with my thoughts on them. They will all be something related to Marriage or Family and Faith. If you come across something you think I might like, feel free to email it to me. Not everything will get posted here, but I also look for links that we can add to our church website as a resource for families. You can look forward to my first full blog next week.

In the Grace of Christ,
Matt