Lies Parents Believe – Part 1

Jesus & Church

I want my child to want to go to church. I think he should be excited about church. There should be activities and events that keep my child interested in church. I’m so tired of hearing my child complain that church is boring; we really need to make it exciting for them.

Do any of those statements sound familiar? I have heard things like this many times over, spoken directly or indirectly to me. Parents might enjoy church but are frustrated or left wondering why their child finds it so distasteful. They reason it must be something is not being done right for their age group of children.

There are a couple problems here and the first is a misplaced priority which could easily become idolatry. The lie says that a godly parent should see that their child loves church or the church experience. But parents should not desire to see their children first develop a strong love for church. The church is the bride of Christ and serves as the hands and feet of Jesus in the world today, but it is not Jesus himself. The church is made of a bunch of sinful, fallen people who are imperfect. These same people are being fashioned into the image of Christ, but they are not there yet. How is a child to handle the frustration and disappointment that are sure to come as they mature and spend more time around the church and its people?

A godly parental desire is for children to first develop a strong love for Jesus. Loving Jesus doesn’t necessarily mean there will be no disappointment or frustrations with the church life, but it will leave more room for the Holy Spirit to work understanding, forgiveness, and God’s redemptive purpose in their lives. A primary church love, however, will lead to disillusionment, anger, resentment and, ultimately, abandonment of the church. Jesus must be the ultimate priority in what we teach and model for our children. When Jesus is the primary object of our love, an secondary love for his church will naturally develop, even in the face of its troubling issues.

Secondly, nowhere does scripture indicate fun or personal enjoyment is to be a central characteristic of a church fellowship. I believe they may have a place, but never one of priority. Equally I don’t believe a church fellowship should be completely absent of these either, in an appropriate context. They just cannot be the driving factors of a biblically functioning fellowship. The second chapter of Acts gives a familiar snapshot of the characteristics of a healthy and vibrant church: “They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. . . . And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved” (vs. 42-47).

Ultimately, what do we want for our children? Do we want them committed to maintaining a fun and exciting social organization for children and their parents? Or would we rather strive to see them deeply and faithfully committed to being a disciple of Jesus. The difference may seem subtle, but it can mean all the difference in the world.

Please don’t understand me to be challenging ministry to youth as whole. I believe it can be an important part of the ministry of the church. But the way so many misunderstand the capability of ministry to youth has driven it to become terribly ineffective. I don’t presume to have all the answers. However, my years of youth ministry experience, listening to others, and reading have given me some insight into what ministering to youth can never do. That is will be our topic for next week.

Lies the Enemy want Parents to Believe -- Intro

I had a conversation the other day with a friend that sparked a train of thoughts. The conversation had drifted into the area of expectations parents typically have for ministry focused toward their children. The expectations discussed were pretty typical expectations of a youth ministry as they have been understood since the late 1960’s and early 1970’s. The problem with this model is it doesn’t work.

There is probably some defensiveness that parents might have at this point. There are many great examples that could be pointed to where someone came through a typical dynamic youth ministry to become a lifelong disciple of Jesus, which is the ultimate goal of any youth ministry. But a quick look at youth ministry statistics would show that they are the exception rather than the rule. I would argue that there are other strong factors that contributed to their outcome. But do a quick search on Bing or Google for youth ministry statistics. I found this one among the results: “An estimated 4% of the “bridger” generation, or Gen Y, will be Bible-believing Christians when they reach adulthood. Their grandparents’ generation: 65%. Their parents’ generation: 35%. (Bridger Generation by Thom S. Rainer).” This is despite all the money and resources used to fund the brightest and best of our dynamic youth ministries.

So where is the problem? These ministries all look so good on the outside, how can they be failing so miserably? I saw miserable because the actual success rate is about 12%. Imagine if a youth minister took a vibrant middle school ministry of 40 students and by their sophomore year reduced them to five students. Parents would be furious and want to have him fired. It still happening, but is not as visible because they are away at college and then beginning their own families and careers (hopefully).

Ultimately, however, it is not his fault. The reason it is not his fault is because the youth minister is attempting to do accomplish a work that someone else has been called to do. He might be able to play a supportive role, but he cannot lead here effectively no matter how magnetic his personality or full of talent are his gifts. This role belongs to the parents as designed by God. If you are unsure about this, take a slow read through Deut. 6 or the first several verses of 2 Timothy. The book of Proverbs also bears witness to this truth. Still unsure? Do another internet search on most influential voices for teens. It will surprise you.

Even still, there are a number of lies the enemy wants parents to believe. I am pulling together a list of these lies to be a basis for this series of articles. I hope they will challenge every parent in how they see their role. Saying a lot is at stake here is no small understatement. I hope you will follow along, asking questions, discussing, reflecting and sharing each one.

Take the next few days to reflect on what kind of responsibilities parents have in the spiritual formation of their children, what the priorities of the parents and the home should be and how those ideals stand up to scripture. On Thursday or Friday I will try to have posted the next part to begin affirming or challenging your thinking. And I am open to being challenged as well. But also consider, within the last 40-50 years, we have begun to attempt spiritual formation and child development in a markedly different way than they have been done within recorded history. Are our results better, worse, or the same as those throughout history?

Marriage and Social Media

Perhaps you have read of Rev. Cedric Miller and his call for church staff to delete their Facebook accounts (
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/2010-11-17-pastor-facebook_N.htm ). The story has taken a worse turn in recent days, but I wanted to give some reflection on the point I think he was trying to make.

Social media has become a common form of communication in our world. Facebook's ease of use has added to the popularity of  social media across generations. It is hard to find much to not like about being able to share your daily life with friends and family you may be significanly seperated from in our highly mobile society. But like most things in life, our sinful nature can find a way to distort and corrupt something that starts with promises of nothing but good.

Rev. Miller shared that over the last year and a half, much of his marital counseling time has involved marriages where Facebook played a significant factor in pulling into play previous relationships. Our past can have a way of coming back to haunt us, but it does not have to be that way. There are a couple things we can do in our marriages and families to protect both our past and our future.

The first suggestion Rev. Miller had was that spouses share their email and facebook and other passwords with one another.; only after meeting some resistance did the suggestion switch to deleting facebook account. Spouses should be willing to share this information with one another. Knowing the other has access and can see provides encouragement to not cross boundaries that are unhealthy for a marriage. Lisa has access to all my email and my Facebook and I have access to hers. If something comes up or someone appears that the other person should know about, we share this information and what was talked about.

A second practice is really evident within the first, but don't keep skeleton's from the past in a closet. It's not always easy to talk about, but sharing those things brings them out of the darkness and into the light. With full disclosure, there is nothing to fear. Only by withholding from our spouse do we foster an environment for something to come out we thought would stay hidden, which betrays the trust, confidence, and security of the marriage relationship. The bonus to having everything in the light with your spouse, is they know everything and you have nothing to fear, building a stronger more secure relationship.

Take time to share your passwords and other important information with your spouse today to foster the openness and honesty needed for marriage.

Family Ministry

We read Newletters, newspapers, magazines, books, DVD's, CD, email, web sites and now blogs. It can be so easy to be overcome with information today on any and every subject. The purpose of this blog is to be a connecting point between myself and the families of Morristown First Christian Church and surrounding community, to bless and encourage marriage relationships, family discipleship and a closer walk with Jesus. I believe if it accomplishes this, the ultimate reach extend much further than this place or time.

You will find here personal work as well as references to articles and books along with my thoughts on them. They will all be something related to Marriage or Family and Faith. If you come across something you think I might like, feel free to email it to me. Not everything will get posted here, but I also look for links that we can add to our church website as a resource for families. You can look forward to my first full blog next week.

In the Grace of Christ,
Matt